Blog entry by Sam Anders
Today, we’ve got a girl who me a guy at https://www.loveawake.com who used to have a different girl. Elizabeth is concerned that her man is still hung up on the ex. Let’s see if we can tell from his behavior what’s really going on…
I had come across your site after trying to google the situation I am in the best way I can to see what others that have been in the situation have to say about it. Ironically, I came across a question from an Elizabeth- like me, who was unsure if her ex was still in love with his ex after discovering he had a key to her apartment.
(For further reading, the post she’s referring to is this one, and there’s a good bunch of comments on there.)
My situation is this…
I had met a guy at a bar one night and ended up dismissing his potential BUT found out an old long time mutual friend was his roommate- this was in a very big city. Over the past year we had run into each other on three very random separate moments. We decided that we would grab a drink together one day and ended up flaking out and never actually had gotten that drink.
Not a fantastic sign that you “dismissed” him on the first night. Isn’t that the part where you’re all nutsy and/or ookly for each other?
Meanwhile, I was tangled up in a relationship that was 5 years strong and another three years of on and off.
Ah. Well, that certainly explains the dismissal pretty solidly.
I had come to the point with that relationship where I realized that this is not somebody I am in love with, this is a person I just love and care for and that he really does not make me happy. It took about 4 months for me to let go of my ex completely to the point of not speaking but when I finally separated myself, I was certain it was for good.
Good for you — 4 months falls nicely in that healthy zone between, “I think we should see other peop– ooh, that guy looks cute!” and “I still am SO hung up on…wait, what was his name again?”
I had not heard anything from the guy that I had been randomly running into since early spring. 9 months later and 8 days after cutting my ex off completely- I get an email requesting I join him for a drink one night after work.
What fantastic timing. How eeeeeenteresting…
Ehhh… I thought… but something kind of clicked in my head- I thought, I need to do this. So I said yes and only thought about flaking out but never did.
Hm. Yet another less-than-fantastic sign for how much you like him. “Ehhhh…” and “I need to do this.” Exactly how I feel about getting my teeth cleaned, to be honest with you.
Next thing you know, I am having a great time but staying very very distant. I would make myself appear “very busy” and like I was not interested. But he would send me messages via email all day at work and he was so cute when we were going out, I could not help but to fall for him.
After going out for over a month, I was at his ex roommate’s for a party. I asked him if he would approve of his sister dating him and he said yes BUT… he is like you and has a situation with his ex and to be honest, I can’t even see him with anybody else but her.
Yikes! Holy apepoop. (On a side note, what a great ex-roommate! Remind me the next time I have a roommate to work out a Cockblocking Security Deposit of some kind.)
The next week we are out and I decided I wanted to be open with him about the past years of my life thinking… maybe he would feel comfortable opening up with me.
Always a bit of a mistake with a guy. Kind of like thinking, “Hm. My dog is eating really quickly. I’ll eat slower, and maybe he’ll get the hint and HE’LL eat slower.”
Not a word was mentioned. This is very strange to me.
In the world of social networking I know who she is because of tagged photos of her on his profile from way back.
Oh, you kids today with your “information.” Whatever happened to the good old days where if someone had trouble in their past, you had to find out about it when his maiden aunt came to call…at your quilting circle…or something? (Answer: “Nothing, because you just made those ‘good old days’ up, you manslating twit.”)
I discovered that he was dating her again over the summer and he still has two framed photos of him and her in his room (along with many other photos)
Yikes and apecrap times two!
My concern is that this is a sign he is emotionally unavailable or really not over his ex. It has been about 2 months now and I feel like if she is even a really good friend, I want to know that from him. I would understand but he can’t be open about it? Is this a red flag? I mean on one hand I feel like he has chased me for a very long time and was very patient. He also keeps making long term plans with me– like things to do that are months ahead and wants to go on a weekend get away. I just feel that it is possible he can really like me and enjoy my company but I am not the person that will have his heart…
What are your thoughts?
Oh, you ladies with you’re “If he’s friends with the ex, I want to know it,” and your simultaneous, “Jeez! All that douche did was talk about his friggin’ EX!” What’s a poor boy to do?
Ok, here’s what I think. You said that he had last dated her over the summer, yes? Well…that’s kind of a while back. Like, it’s longer ago than your 4-month post-relationship-recalibration-period. (You know, where you have your feelings rotated, tighten up your…sigh…let’s just let one metaphor go, shall we? For once?) The fact that he was dating someone half a year ago — even someone important, is not necessarily a bad thing.
PICTURESSSSS….IN THE CORNER OF MY MIIIIIIIIIND!
He’s got some pictures up of him and her. Well, I don’t know about that having a huge meaning here. I mean,it doesn’t mean that he puts on his footie pajamas, and lays down on the bed, head in hands, and gazes at it. It really doesn’t. I think all you can take from the photos is that a.) he doesn’t hate the girl’s living guts, and b.) he doesn’t know better than to have a picture of an ex up when a new girl comes around. I can only imagine that if I owned a camera, I’d likely have been guilty of the same foolishness at times.
Mm…I can’t give it a full-on red flag status here. I think there are questions worth exploring. But I don’t even know that you’ve got enough info to go for a Yellow Flag of Relationshippal Caution (available in the gift shop for 9.95. Euros only, please. In this economy? Please, I’m not a fool.)
What you’ve got here is a topic of conversation. See, here’s the thing. All you’ve REALLY got to go on is the ex-roommate. He’s the one who has decided that HE can’t see this dude with anyone but the ex. So now, now you’ve got this information, and no other information. And you’re trying to interpret ANYthing the guy does to confirm or deny it. Bad mojo, Elizabeth. Bad idea along the same lines as making a major life decision based on your horoscope. What you end up doing is deciding whatever you were going to do anyway, and pretending you’ve got “proof.”
WHAT TO DO? SURRENDER YOUR INTEL
Here’s what I’d suggest. Look, you’ve got this information from the ex roomie. I say, fess up. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say, “Listen, I realize that this is the worst way in the world to get information, but I was asking Klaus (hey, I don’t know what the ex-roomie’s name is) if he’d let his sister date you, and he said YES - yay! And he also siad that you had recently gotten out of a long-term relationship, and it’s kind of put the whammy on me. It freaked me that you’d never said anything about that, and all I have to go on is Klaus. I don’t want to be freaking out based on the advice of a toymaking elf from Norway (again, I don’t know anything about this guy.) I guess I just let this get into my head, and I think I just need to hear the REAL version of the story. I know, I know, I should have just come to you first. But…well, this is how things went.”
Something like this will a.) get the conversation started, and b.) put the focus on YOU (i.e. “Sorry I was snooping about you without just asking you) instead of on HIM (”So, why haven’t you told me about your ex, huh, smart guy!?”) The point here is that if you even semi “accuse” him of anything, you’re not going to get the truth. You’re going to get him scrambling to tell you what you want to hear.
Good luck, Elizabeth. Honestly, I’m not getting major warning vibes here. Sounds like he likes you. But it also sounds like you need a little reassurance. If he likes you, he should be able to handle that.
What do you think miladies? Is this guy still on the ex, or what? How should Elizabeth deal?